Cats should be BANNED!

One time, a guy was telling me about his cats. He told me that coyotes keep eating his cats.

I said, “Oh my god! How many cats do you have?”

He answered, “Just one at a time. I go to the animal shelter and get a new one.”

I said, “It sounds more like you have a pet coyote rather than a pet cat. It totally sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to your pet coyote.”

Then his young daughter burst into tears.

I think she was just like a bit oversensitive. You know, if you think about it, everybody was a winner in this arrangement. The cats got a taste of freedom, the coyotes got a taste of kitty, the daughter got a new cat every few months, and the father completed the arrangement with a taste of satisfaction knowing he was doing a great job keeping everybody happy.

☯️ There was a real sense of balance, yin-yang, and feng shui going on there for sure. Anyway, for totally inexplicable reasons, they ended the whole harmonious arrangement after I said what I said. Because, you know, people are crazy.

But to get closer to the point of me writing all this, cats are like disgusting little creeps, you know. So gross. Just thinking about cats makes me want to barf out all over the furniture. If I ever have to take care of a cat, just drug me, please. Maximum sedation. Make it like a coma. I don’t want to remember any of it.

Do you know about the parasite Toxoplasma gondii? That’s the one that gets into the brain and is famous for causing mice and rats to become like totally reckless or even suicidal. The disease caused by this parasite is called toxoplasmosis.

Normally, mice and rats try to avoid areas marked with cat urine or with cat body odor, you know, but after they get infected with Toxoplasma gondii, they totally stop avoiding cats. This creepy little parasite forces mice and rats to lose (or at least reduce) their fear of cats. It is so totally freaky.

And that’s not all. The freakiness gets even worse. Cats are the primary hosts of this parasite, and they transmit it to humans!! And not just a few humans. A lot of humans!

Roughly half of the people in the world are infected with Toxoplasma gondii, you know. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, now you know. Roughly half of everybody. That’s a lot, you know. That’s like four billion people or so, after rounding it off, you know.

So, fricking cats are totally the reason why zillions of people around the world are infected with this revolting little parasite. That’s why cats should definitely be banned. I am so sure of this. It’s a totally excellent reason to ban their furry little backsides from the face of the planet forever.

Toxoplasmosis has freaky mental effects on humans, not only on rodents. Reading about it really freaks me out, and it should totally freak you out as well. Schizophrenia and other neuropsychiatric disorders are more likely to develop in people that have toxoplasmosis. In addition, it is possible that toxoplasmosis triggers or increases risky behavior in humans (this one needs further studies to confirm, but it’s already super-super plausible IMO). And that’s not all. It also causes other freaky and disturbing mental effects, too long to list here.

Toxoplasmosis is also a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Yes, that’s right, the parasite can be transmitted from person to person by having sex (under certain circumstances). It is really disgusting.

🐕 In addition, this is another reason to never have sex with dogs (as if you needed another reason). Toxoplasma is capable of being transmitted from dogs to humans during sex!!

Before I knew about this parasite, I thought that the idea of sex with dogs was an absolutely disgusting idea, like top 10 list of most revolting sexual activities in the world. I mean, doing doggy-style position with a sexy man is totally hot and I love it to bits, but just the mere mention of having a Saint Bernard on my backside is beyond-all-doubt completely-and-utterly barf to the max, gag me with a used tampon. 🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

And then, after I read that toxoplasmosis is also an STI, the whole bestial fiasco just became even worse, like it went from extremely bad to infinitely bad, and then I was like retching every ten minutes for weeks. It is really nauseating.

Anyway, a more common way that humans get infected by Toxoplasma is by eating meat that has not been cooked for long enough at a high enough temperature to reach all the way to the center of the meat. Another cause of infection is cleaning the box or places where cats defecate. (So gross. Nobody should ever be required to clean up after animals.)

Toxoplasmosis is especially dangerous for pregnant women and their babies. If a pregnant woman is infected, her baby can be infected as well, and the baby can suffer major birth defects including:

• 👁️ Eyesight damage

• 🦻🏻 Hearing loss

• 🧠 Brain damage and intellectual disability

• 🫨 Seizures

Toxoplasmosis is generally considered to be a permanent infection. Once infected with the parasite, it normally remains in the body for life. It forms cysts in tissues like the brain, muscles, and eyes.

🧪💉💊 Alternatively, if you really must keep these appalling little critters around your house because you’re into sadomasochism or whatever, I could agree with a plan to allocate sufficient R&D funding to develop a cure for toxoplasmosis instead of outright banning cats from the planet.

The rates of infection vary greatly in different regions of the world. Some regions are far worse hit than others. Either way, money should definitely be allocated to find a cure, or better yet, just simply ban all cats for life. Banish them to the Moon. They’ll be happier there anyway.

So, after researching it and gagging like crazy for months, I am so totally sure that a complete-and-utter ban is the best solution. It’s golden. Pure stacks of gold. It doesn’t get any better than that. So, stop being a pussy, and just do it alright!