Why big tippers are basically murderers

For what reason do people give big tips to waitresses? The usual answer is that a big tip is given in return for good service and good food. This answer is a double serving of BS piled on top of more BS.

I will now reveal the real reason why men give any tips at all:

Cup size. Yes, that's it. The bigger the breast cup size, the bigger the tip. You can clearly see the relation in the following mind-blowing chart:

Woah, look at that green line! Get a load of that! It looks like an erection! Do you want to get a load of that? I certainly don't.

I know that a few of you out there are mathematical whizzes, so I'll also put it in terms that you understand:

But if you thought that the cup size issue is shocking, wait until you read the next sentence. Men subconsciously recognize when a good-looking busty young woman is fertile, and they give her more money than all other staff members combined!

It happens with strippers as well. In 2007, the University of New Mexico published the results of a study of the earnings of professional lap dancers working in gentlemen's clubs. The researchers discovered that the women received larger tips when they were in the ovulating/fertile phase of their menstrual cycle. Furthermore, menstruating women were penalized! Men gave menstruating women half as much money as ovulating women!

Those dirty horndogs! Tipping should be renamed to “dirty dogging”. Big tippers are sexist assholes that give big money to big-breasted fertile young women and little money to unsexy old hags (25+ according to tippers).

Big tippers are basically murderers, because they are murdering the hopes and dreams of young women with average-sized breasts, not to mention those with small breasts or – heavens forbid! – flat-chested women.

The most outrageous behavior of all is the penalization of menstruating women. Despicable! Those tippers are the worst of the worst! Here is a message for all the men that put less money in the menstrual cup:

You should be equally willing to have sex with her regardless of whether she is full-menstrual or half-menstrual or outright infertile. This includes cunnilingus. Spoil her with praise. Show her a good time. Give her the full tour. Be the best tour guide that she has ever experienced. Go sailing on the crimson tide. Look deep into her eyes and say:

“I love you, my little blood-princess. Oh my, how red your blood is today. Splendid, simply splendid. Rubylicious. I would love to make blood-sausage with you tonight.”

Lap it up, boys. You wanted dirty dogging. You got it.